Dear Mom -
I am starting this as a way to connect to you some way, since you've been an Angel for almost 20 years now. There are days that all I want to do is pick up the phone and call you. Tell you Parker's new phrase. Ask you tips on potty training. And then, I realize that I can't call you. I can't say hello. I feel like I never even really got to say goodbye. Never did I think you wouldn't walk out of that hospital, skipping and laughing. I was so naive about the world in general. I didn't think losing your mom was even possible - not until you were 80 or something. Not 48. I have had moments screaming about how unfair things were. Why would God take a poor little girl's mother away? I was just an 11 year old girl, getting ready for teenage years, puberty, prom, driving, graduation. I had the whole world ahead of me. I needed you. For the longest time, I thought that it was some sort of joke. You were going to pop your head around the corner of my room at night and say "Gotcha!". Maybe it was because it was too hard to understand that you were gone forever. For a while I actually "lost" my faith. I felt completely abandoned by my church family and everyone that used to be around me. I felt alone. Thankfully I had friends that got me back to the happy I used to be. In college, I met a very special person named Mike and 7 years after we met, we became husband and wife. Almost 3 years later, we were blessed with our own special miracle. We named him Parker Ellis, after Grandpa Alton and Grandpa Barney. He is very head strong, affectionate, and intelligent. He is also a trouble maker and very dramatic. (Sound familiar?) I wish you could spend just one day with him. He is so beautiful, with blonde curly hair and green grey eyes. Some nights I don't even sleep, I just lay next to him or sit next to his crib and watch him sleep, snore, dream. It is the most wonderful thing I have ever had in this world. And it's all because of you. You loved me so deeply, unconditionally. You showed me, even in the short time we were together, that love is the most important thing in this world. As long as you have love, you can accomplish anything you set out to do. I was just a girl from an unconventional blue collar household, with a mom and a grandma - and a cousin and aunt next door. I was raised in hand me downs and anything pink. I didn't have dance lessons, I danced to my own music. I sang to anyone who listened. I was the best mommy a doll could have. I grew up the black sheep of my family, the one with multicolored hair and "boy" clothes. In my adulthood, I have found that one true love that many search their whole lives for. I have a little boy that is my absolute everything. I have a beautiful 108 year old house that is just big enough for the 3 of us. I am awesome in the kitchen and love helping in my church community. I live in a town just like Mayberry. Everyone knows everyone. Everyone helps everyone. I am really in love with Nebraska, mom. Honest. However, I will ALWAYS be a Carolina girl. I love you mommy. Love, Your little girl, LAPD.
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